4 Months, 10 days since…

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cara 3It’s been 4 months and about 10 days since that unfortunate day.

Today it would (and should) have been 48 years since you took your first breath upon the Earth but instead you now cover parts of her.  Your being nourishing our Mother Earth.

I haven’t stopped thinking about you, missing you, aching inside.  Being on the hill helped, it helped to keep me moving forward when part of me died with you.  I had gone up with the intent, with the thought that to make peace, I had to let you go.  That’s what the people said I had to do in order to heal. But looking out at the expansive horizon on one of those days it came to me that I never had to do such a thing.  Making peace had nothing to do with ‘letting you go.’  It hit me there and then that you could and would always live on in my heart, mind, and being.  At that fleeting instant I can say that I felt what I would describe as relief, not peace.

I want to believe that I heard your voice and felt your presence while I was there in ceremony.  I asked you if it was okay for me to head down and for a moment I heard your laugh and you said in that super Mexicana/Chicana tone, “Ándale ya vete con tu familia, que estás haciendo aquí sufriendo?!”  I swear I heard you.

Ay Cara.

365 days ago I was with you celebrating this day.  It had been years since that had happened.  Your birthday always coinciding with our ceremonias but you understood.  Although I am still not talking to the Creator (whatever that may be), I am grateful that I was with you last year en tu día in that amazing place that connects us.  Everything was perfect – the lush green view spanning beyond what our eyes could see, the delicious mole with its chiles and spices prepared specially for you, the mezcalito you loved so much, la música, and especially the family and friends gathered around you.

I close my eyes and wish with so much force that somehow I could teleport back to that specific moment in time, just to see you again.

So many things left unsaid.

Te quiero.  Feliz cumple a ti.

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